There Are Moments
by spheeris1
Summary: Future fic :: AU from beginning of Season Three :: Massive Angst :: 'And it came to him in a whisper, in the look in Ashley’s eyes, that there were so many places that she just had to go to, places he doesn’t know and can’t follow her to.'


There are moments when they look at one another and they see how wrong they are together. They see just how wrong all of this is… and then the moment passes.

And Aiden gets up, gets dressed and goes to work.

And Ashley gets up, gets dressed and goes to the studio.

*

Sometimes she forgets and her heart stops beating so rapidly, leaving her flush with fresh air and blinking at her surroundings. And that's when she sees her guitar case open, the clothes tumbling in the washer, the notebooks and the chairs and the door locks to this life she has.

It isn't a bad life to live. It isn't filled with anything out of the ordinary. It isn't the kind of life that would force Ashley run away.

And still, sometimes, she forgets and she feels claustrophobic in this loft apartment. She looks desperately for a way out that windows and doorways cannot provide.

*

He doesn't ask where she goes, because the date is etched into his mind as well.

But he started to move on. And he started to believe that he lived for a reason, not just by a trick of fate.

When she took his hand and when her lips spoke a silent 'yes', Aiden thought that to be why he survived a bullet in his chest.

They kissed and it was decidedly chaste. They met the eyes of new friends and saw some joy.

And they met the eyes of their wounded comrades and everyone looked ashamed.

Her hand tightened then, gripped his like a life-raft, and he hoped it was because she was just nervous.

But Aiden knew better, even then.

*

In her dreams, Ashley packs her bags like she has somewhere else to be.

And she leaves a sleeping Aiden behind, leaves him curled up in sheets like a child.

She hurries down the stairs and, once she hits the street, her face finally settles and relaxes.

The sorrow stretches out and fades into happiness again.

And she runs to no green grass slope, she runs to no rough-cut stone stuck in the ground.

Ashley darts to a train station and then she is on a plane and in taxis along winding gravel roads… she must travel the length of the world, just looking for…

_Oh god, where is she? I know she is hiding somewhere, just got to find her. Maybe around this corner, maybe in this town, maybe laying down on this beach, maybe in that tower, maybe right there… just right there… just ahead of me, Spencer, you are just ahead of me and I am going to catch up to you… I swear it, I'll catch up to you…_

She wakes up at the fluttering of blonde hair, of those delicate strands tickling her face in the most wonderful way.

Her hand is reaching out, just about to touch familiar soft skin and just about to caress a smiling face and just about to hold onto Spencer this time… to not let go this time… to keep the girl this time…

*

He doesn't ask where she goes. Even though she is going more and more often, staying away longer and longer… but he knows that to hold on too tightly will just make her disappear.

A love declared couldn't do it and a ring of gold couldn't do it – but Aiden fears what might happen if he put his foot down and makes her stop.

The one time he asked, she froze up and stuttered something that sounded a lot like 'just driving around some old places'.

And it came to him in a rush, King High in all its promise and before it became a tomb, halls that were once filled with a reckless kind of bliss.

And it came to him in a whisper, in the look in Ashley's eyes, that there were so many places that she just had to go to, places he doesn't know and can't follow her to.

So, Aiden let her go in order to keep her.

And their life isn't bad. It isn't dangerous or demanding. It is simple and calm.

But still, sometimes, he thinks they both made a huge mistake in trying to mend their hearts with each other. Sometimes, he thinks they should really break away and finally heal.

*

"I'm sorry."

She waits that half-second for a response, but it does not come.

"I know you've heard it all before. I've said it so many times that it might be losing its meaning, I guess… words are just words, aren't they? And actions speak louder, I know that. But I want to do both, okay? I want to say the words and I want to be here, with you."

The breeze picks up strands of her hair and shifts it into her eyes, but she doesn't push it away. She just allows a tiny smile to grow upon her lips.

"God, the sun is about to rise and the sky is starting to look all pink and orange… can you see it? I hope so, I hope you are creating it and sending it to me…"

She almost raises her hand and she almost rests it along the downward curve of granite.

But she waits, as always, for permission. She waits for acceptance and forgiveness and she'll wait forever if she has to.

"I get so lonely sometimes, just for you and I think about turning back time… I think about that last dance, the one where you and I just goofed around, and I'd like to do that again. I'd like to dance with you again, to laugh with you and… god, maybe then I'd get it, you know? Maybe I would finally understand just what I had and I'd not let you go…"

She starts to cry, quiet and without dramatics, the tears slip down her cheeks without a sound.

She used to sob uncontrollably, loud and piercing. But one day the sadness just made a home somewhere in her body, sneaking up on her randomly and without warning.

And it was always silent and devastating.

"I never knew you could walk that fast… but then you were so angry, you were so angry and so scared and I see that now… I couldn't grasp it back then, I couldn't put the pieces together. And I guess I was scared, too. You terrified me and you challenged me and you changed everything so completely… I didn't know how to handle it and I fucked up. I fucked up and didn't hold on tight enough to you."

But like every other time she says these words and proclaims this regret, Spencer isn't talking.

Spencer isn't weeping or screaming – there is no choice to be made now, because it was made at the entrance of their school on prom night.

Ashley can see it just a clear as the sunlight steadily covering the dusky sky.

She can see the moment Aiden got too close and she can hear his voice carry out needy phrases.

She can see her own body go rigid, limbs unsure of how to move from this past – from him – to this future – with Spencer.

And she can see Spencer, gold and blue from gaze to dress, hearing everything like a pin being dropped in an empty room… she can see Spencer shatter right in front of the world

It is every dream and it is every nightmare, the seconds where Spencer takes off from the two of them and rushes outside. That's when it all gets blurry, where sentences merge into one long wail and Ashley can't seem to make any of it stop – she can't make Aiden be quiet and she can't fix the wound on Spencer's heart and she can't find the right answers in her messy mind.

It is every dream and it is every nightmare.

And Ashley wants to wake up.

"I didn't let go of your hand, do you know that? I didn't let go of your hand the whole time. Paula didn't try to push me away from you and your dad actually hugged me. I… I didn't know what to do about your brothers and I didn't know what to do when they actually, you know, when they took you away.

I just stood there, Spencer, for… like hours. I kept waiting for you to come back. I kept my hands open and empty, just waiting for you to come back… "

Paula's face is a tear-stained mask. Mr. Carlin is a map of weariness. Clay is blank and Glen is mad.

Lots of other faces carrying lots of shock and polite consolation in every pew, girls from classes that Ashley ditched and guys from teams Ashley doesn't know.

And then Aiden, not knowing where to sit or where to put his hands, by her side.

And Kyla on the other side, nervous and trying to comfort a sister who just keeps on shoving people away.

"And I just sat there, still stupidly waiting for you to come back. I kept on squeezing my eyes shut and then racing to open them again, thinking that you were messing with my head. I kept looking for you, past that sanctimonious priest and all those things that just would have condemned your love for me, I kept looking for you to beckon me over and giggle in my ear. Dammit, Spencer, I kept waiting for you and you never came back and you just don't know, do you? You just don't know what you've done, leaving me here… I **need** you. I need you to come back now, okay? No more of this silent treatment, just come back and we can fix this, **I** can fix this… Spencer, don't you know it now? Don't you know that I love only you and I'm sorry for running away, I'm sorry for hurting you and… and you've got to give me a chance to **fix this**! You've got to, okay? Don't make me wait anymore… please, Spencer… **please**…"

But Ashley cries herself to sleep as dawn takes over the world, sinking down onto moss and clover, with her head pressed painfully against Spencer's tombstone.

*

There are moments when they look at one another and neither of them sees what they are looking for.


End file.
